Conflict As Our Teacher
By Karen L. Scheel
The nature of every relationship is to present us with challenges that are important for our spiritual growth. Learning to be in right relationship with the world in which we live and ourselves is the primary reason that we as human beings exist. Sharing our lives with others is a life long journey that requires skill. Each and every human being has differences and difference is always going to be a part of every relationship. The difference between relationships that work and those that don't is how well people deal with the conflictive challenges that are bound to come up. We all have our own unique way of thinking, feeling, seeing, and expressing ourselves. Too many of us tend to assume that we know when our knowledge is rarely complete, as everything is always in a constant state of flux and change. Many of us often become very emotional and/or angry when we experience people with values and beliefs that differ from our own. If we are not able to accept the incompleteness within our limited knowledge then conflict as our teacher always arises. It is born to make us more aware of how we are responding to the differences at any given point in time.
At the core conflict is often about unhealthy psychological needs from the past that have not been resolved. When these unmet needs surface, we tend to react in a defensive and self-protective manner. We usually do not give any benefit of doubt, because we are putting our energy into reliving these unhealthy negative experiences in our mind. This enables us to justify our inability to exercise self-control and/or lash out. Lashing out either verbally or physically is a form of abuse that usually stems from our need to control and have power over a situation when in reality the only thing we can have complete control over are our own thoughts, attitudes, and actions. It always takes two to make or break any relationship and no one person can ever be completely responsible for what is right or what is wrong. However, we are always completely responsible for maintaining our own behavior when our 'buttons' are being pushed. When an individual or a country uses any act of violence or abuse it is a very serious statement that things are not in right relationship. Therefore, we must break the cycle of lashing out and placing blame, and stop finding fault.
In reality people cannot know instinctively what another may want or need. In order to have our wants, needs, and expectations met we must first learn how to communicate them. Conflict is a gift that challenges us to stretch and open our minds so that we may learn how to communicate and understand the differences. Being in right relationship is a process of learning how to move beyond the boundaries of a singular point of view to reach mutual understanding. It is learning how to demonstrate respect and communicate effectively. This requires complete honesty - saying what we really mean and really meaning what we say. Good communication starts with good listening. Good listening is a balance between head (thinking) and heart (feeling). Truly understanding another perspective requires good listening.
We cannot speak and listen at the same time. Listening requires silence so that we may begin to hear without judgment. It is a dance of "giving and receiving." Rather than allowing our mind to react emotionally, we make a choice to exercise discipline. We suspend our point of view, our judgment, and our feelings so that we may validate the psychological needs and feelings of another, regardless of whether or not we agree. Respecting the need for silence while another is communicating gives space for each person to explore his or her thoughts and feelings more deeply. It also allows both to choose their words more carefully in order to express their opinions in a positive way. True listening enables us to receive (hear) something that may spark us to move "out of the box" that our normal "in the box" way of thinking may have never thought of before. When we learn to validate and appreciate differences this usually opens us to new ideas and ways of being in our world, and when we open to differences then healing change is possible.
